Positive affirmations can help or hinder. This depends on which part of the inner crew is responding. Understanding this makes all the difference.

We hear phrases like “I am confident”, “I am calm”, or “I am successful” repeated often.

These phrases are treated as universal truths. It is believed they simply need enough repetition to become real. For some people, they help.

For others, they create an immediate inner reaction that sounds more like, “No, you’re not.”

If you have ever felt that tension, you are not failing at affirmations.

You are experiencing something deeply human, and very understandable when we look through both psychology and a Resource Therapy lens.

Meet the Founder of Positive Affirmations

The modern use of affirmations is often traced back to Émile Coué. He was a French pharmacist and psychologist. Coué developed the idea of conscious autosuggestion in the early twentieth century. His well-known phrase was:

“Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.”

Coué noticed that repeated inner language appeared to influence people’s expectations, motivation, and behaviour. While the language sounds simple, the principle is powerful. The way we speak to ourselves shapes where attention goes, and attention influences action.

From a Resource Therapy perspective, we might say the captains voice a part of sets the direction.

The Psychology behind Why Affirmations Backfire

One of the most common misunderstandings is the idea that affirmations work equally well for everyone. Research tells a different story.

Wood, Perunovic, and Lee (2009) found that positive self-statements may improve mood for some people. For others, it feels worse. This effect is particularly evident when the statement clashes.

If a vulnerable part feels scared or inadequate, it can create internal tension. Repeating a statement that feels untrue can lead to conflict rather than confidence.

Daniel Wegner’s research on ironic mental processes helps explain why. When we try to force the mind into a certain state, the brain automatically monitors whether we are succeeding. Ironically, this monitoring process can make the unwanted feeling more visible and stronger (Wegner, 1994, 1997).

So when a person says, “I am calm”, an anxious part may instantly respond, “But are we really????” That response is not resistance in a negative sense. It is the mind trying to keep psychological coherence.

In Resource Therapy language, a different Resource State may simply be at the wheel, and it is not convinced by the message being offered.

Why a Small shift Changes Everything

Instead of telling your inner crew what to believe, try inviting curiosity.

Rather than saying:

“I am confident.”

Try asking:

“Why am I becoming more confident?”

Your parts will listen and answer your Why.

This subtle change is supported by research on the question behaviour effect. The research shows that questions can increase motivation. They can encourage goal-consistent behaviour because the mind naturally searches for answers (Senay, Albarracín, & Noguchi, 2010).

Questions feel less like commands and more like invitations. They allow space for parts that are uncertain or protective to participate without being overridden.

My Personal Moment

Years ago, I began experimenting with this approach in my own life. Instead of repeating fixed statements about love or relationships, I shifted to gentle questions.

“Why am I attracting a deeply supportive partner?”

Nothing dramatic happened overnight. What changed was quieter and more meaningful. I noticed things differently. My wiser parts made clearer choices. I had the right parts out to respond to situations with more alignment and less fear. Read my anxiously attached parts weren’t at the helm!

And somewhere along the way, I met and built a life with the man of my dreams my husband, Chris Paulin.

It was not magic. It was the gradual alignment of intention, awareness, and behaviour and getting my inner crew on board.

What Psychology tells us about what Works

Self affirmation theory reminds us that affirmations are most effective when they connect to genuine values and identity. They are less effective when based on unrealistic positivity – lets face it the Pollyanna factor is pressure(Cohen & Sherman, 2014).

When language feels emotionally believable, the nervous system relaxes rather than argues. Our parts have choices.

This aligns beautifully with Resource Therapy principles. We do not silence the parts that feel scared, doubtful, or protective. We listen to them. We work with them. The goal is cooperation, not suppression.

Affirmations become powerful when they sound like something the inner crew can actually accept.

How to Use Affirmations in a way that feels Real

Use language that feels possible rather than exaggerated.
Turn statements into questions to invite curiosity.
Notice which Resource State is present when resistance appears.
Pair words with grounding, breath, or body awareness.
Focus on gentle direction rather than perfection.

If a phrase triggers an internal argument, pause and listen to each voice. That reaction is information, not failure.

Round Up

Positive affirmations are not about pretending everything is perfect. They are about shaping attention in a direction that supports growth. When your inner crew feels respected rather than pushed, change becomes calmer, steadier, and more sustainable.

Your mind is always listening. The real question is not whether affirmations work. The question is how you are speaking to the parts of yourself that need to feel safe enough to move forward.

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Frequently Asked Questions About Positive Affirmations

Do positive affirmations really work?

They can, especially when they feel believable and align with personal values. Affirmations that feel unrealistic may create internal resistance instead of motivation.

Why do affirmations sometimes make people feel worse?

Research shows that when a statement clashes with a person’s internal beliefs, it can increase discomfort. The mind may automatically argue against what feels untrue.

What works better than traditional affirmations?

For many people, turning affirmations into questions works better because questions invite curiosity and reduce inner resistance.

How does a parts based approach help?

A parts based approach recognises that different inner states hold different perspectives. Instead of forcing change, it supports cooperation between parts, making growth feel safer and more natural.

What is the easiest way to start?

Choose one area of growth and try a gentle question such as, “Why am I getting a little better at this?” Then notice what your mind begins to show you.

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References (APA Style)

Cohen, G. L., & Sherman, D. K. (2014). The psychology of change: Self affirmation and social psychological intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 65, 333–371.

Coué, É. (1922). Self mastery through conscious autosuggestion.

Emmerson, G. (2015). Learn Resource Therapy: Clinical qualification student training manual. Old Golden Point Press.

Senay, I., Albarracín, D., & Noguchi, K. (2010). Motivating goal directed behaviour through introspective self talk: The role of the interrogative form of simple future tense. Psychological Science, 21(4), 499–504.

Wegner, D. M. (1994). Ironic processes of mental control. Psychological Review, 101(1), 34–52.

Wegner, D. M. (1997). Ironic processes of mental control. In R. S. Wyer (Ed.), Advances in social cognition (Vol. 10, pp. 1–19). Lawrence Erlbaum.

Wood, J. V., Perunovic, W. Q. E., & Lee, J. W. (2009). Positive self statements: Power for some, peril for others. Psychological Science, 20(7), 860–866.