Six Ways Women Who Stay Reason Away Leaving Violent Partners.

Domestic abuse plays with your head as you attempt to make sense of what is nonsense

When we hear of domestic assault and abuse we rally in horror. No one of us would wish that on any one, We often think to ourselves -‘ Why doesn’t she leave?’ If you have ever wondered why a woman stays with her abusive partner read on.

Sadly one woman a week dies at the hands of an intimate partner in Australia. Shocking statistics as Jimmy Barnes says “…If that was terrorism, we’d have armed guards on every corner’.

From the outside it looks like the easiest way to escape would simply to end the relationship. Research tells us this is one of the most life threatening times in the cycle. Weirdly woman are most at risk when leaving their abuser. Safety planning is essential.

And leaving would be if the woman were in a position of emotional health and strength to leave him. And he was also in a state of emotional health and wellbeing. This type of abuse is insidious and erodes self esteem quicker than a white ant colony. Men are victims too but the numbers go overwhelmingly with the gals sadly.

What has happened is a process often called trauma bonding – we are connected to our captor. This used to be called the Stockholm Syndrome which has been debunked.

Our brains have amazing ways to justify and cope

In a United States Study of over a 100 female victims, Kathleen Ferraro and John Johnson found that women who stay in violent relationships rationalized their abuse in the following six ways.

  1. ‘I can fix him’ woman imagine the abuser is deeply troubled and needs a good strong women to help him get better. Its the Florence Nightingale phenomenon – I can nurse him to make him stop.
  2. ‘Its not really him’ It’s his problem insert the issue here – drinking, drugs, his childhood abuse, his depression, his job loss whatever fits on the list. The mistaken believe is once the problem has resolved he will stop, so the the hope goes. But the abuse continues regardless.
  3. ‘It’s easier to try to forget‘. This is where cognitive dissonance comes into play. Knowing their partner has intentionally hurt them is inconceivable. They focus on ‘getting back to normal’. With the cycle of violence there does come some sweet times. This overrides the abuse. It’s a form of denial to protect ourselves from the knowledge we are in a dangerous position – our loved one is could kill us.
Angry Man
Angry Man
  1. Maybe its my fault’ This is where you hear woman say ‘I probably provoke him’. So women will turn themselves inside out as to how to go under the radar, do as he says to avoid the fall out. They are sensitive to their partners needs in a survival response – fawning and hyper-vigilance.
  2. ‘There’s nowhere to go’ Many women are stuck with no alternatives isolated from family and friends. Financially controlled and held hostage by circumstance.
  3. Until death do us part’ where traditional belief systems on matrimony and religion hold women captive. Certain religious leaders say they will suffer a terrible fate in the afterlife. As if they are not in a one in this one!

I have worked with women who when they left the husband they were excommunicated from their church community. Exiled. They lost everyone. Don’t underestimate going against a community or long held traditional beliefs that trap a person.

Here is access to the article

abstract https://academic.oup.com/socpro/article-abstract/30/3/325/1644026?redirectedFrom=fulltext

This powerful information came from reading Jess Hills’ book See What You Made Me Do, Power, control and Domestic Abuse. It is a must read for therapists. We all need to be up to speed when it comes to coercive control and family violence. I am recommending it to my clients who have been in or are currently in a domestic abuse relationship. Here is the link to buy the book See What You Made Me Do, Power, control and Domestic Abuse Amazon https://amzn.to/2mUYV1v

Arm yourself with information, compassion and patience.Let me know your thoughts, love to hear of your experience either personally or professionally.

7 Signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD

7 signs of PTSD & How Resource Therapy gets Results

Last century we put a new name to what was know as “shell shock’, battle fatigue and war neurosis – Post trauma stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD has been around for aeons and was seen in ancient times.

PTSD was added to the American Diagnostic Services Manual (DSM) in the 1980’s.

PTSD is defined as a mental health condition which can occur after we see or are exposed to a traumatic event – death, serious injury, sexual violence to ourselves or others. PTSD can happen after a singular event or when we have been repeatedly exposed to trauma as in domestic violence, bullying, child abuse – sexual, physical or emotional.

child-1439468_1920 7 signs of PTSD and How Resource Therapy works to resolve Anxiety and trauma rapdily

We are aware now that hearing details about devastating and traumatic events repeatedly can lead the the development of PTSD. We call this vicarious trauma. This happened to me as a child. See my video here https://resourcetherapy.com.au/

Emergency workers, first responders, Doctors and therapists can be at particular risk due to increased exposure.

Except when it doesn't -7 signs of PTSD & How Resource Therapy gets Results

Its important to realise PTSD is treatable, with sound effective and reliable treatment out there. The one I use is Resource Therapy as it has powerful techniques for processing trauma. Being a brief Parts and trauma informed Therapy, Resource Therapy taps into those parts of us that feel trapped, dis-empowered, angry, depressed, anxious and avoidant. Resource Therapy ( RT) is strength based and works to find helping Resources to deal with the future. Free from fear and shame. RT empowers you to feel in control of yourself and feel better.

If you are in Sydney July 29th 6-8pm. I am giving a talk on Trauma Informed Care & Tools for Complex PTSD presentations You have to have registered with the Randwick Mental Health Professionals. Hurry as we are almost at capacity! Here’s the link https://www.mhpn.org.au/

So here are the 7 signs of PTSD. There are more and I will be sharing them soon.

  1. Flash backs – there can be sounds, visual or emotion. Where our traumatic memory is triggered. Suddenly we are no longer in the present. We are taken over by the part who experienced the trauma with the same levels of emotion – overwhelmed. As an example. My husband raises his voice, i tremble in fear. As a child I grew up in a household with domestic violence. I am back under the table hearing them fighting.
  2. Intense Anger and Irritability – we can have low tolerance and quick to anger. Road rage is not uncommon here. One client I worked with who wanted to stop their road rage, found it’s roots were in an childhood assault. We resolved the roots of this trauma and she was able to find a calm state to drive with in the future. This sort of trauma memory is what’s called implicit memory. This lies in our subconscious. Resource Therapy works to elegantly resolve these trapped memories rapidly and empower for real results.
  3. Anxiety and Depression – go hand in hand with PTSD. Disturbed sleep and insomnia are common.
  4. Inability to Focus – a lack of concentration can affect us on our drive home, our work productivity. Our relationships. Our minds repeatedly return both consciously and subconsciously to the trauma. It clouds oru thinking, we can blame, shame and criticise our self. Feeing helpless and hopeless.
  5. Physical Ailments – because we feel guilty, shamed, anxious, suspicious and on alert our emotions can play out physically. We can feel nausea, chills, medically unexplained aches and pains, trembling, restriction of movement, shortness of breath, headaches, heart palpitations and panic attacks. This is our bodies way of trying to protect us. We can feel betrayed by our bodies instinctive reactions.
  6. Isolation and Avoidance – we withdraw from our friends, we turn down invites, we stay home alone. Home may represent a safe zone. If the trauma occurred in the home say in my bedroom, I may start to sleep in the lounge. Avoiding my room. Many clients I have worked with avoid the place or similar settings to where the trauma was. We can feel numb and shutdown, the isolation is internal. We go to work and go through the motions.
  7. Hyper vigilance – it’s as if we are stuck the teen movie the Hunger Games. There’s a lottery where the children have to fight each other in a dangerous world and it’s last person standing. Not for the faint hearted. We are in survival mode. Our awareness is heightened. We have a hair trigger startle response. We have Resources that are switched on and looking out for us. Our body is in the fight or flight condition almost permanently. Trouble is this takes an emotional toll, strung out. We feel exhausted. Our adrenal system is in overdrive and cortisol levels off the charts. You can see the link then to our physical. emotional and psychological health deteriorating.
The Hunger Games By Source, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=45710204

The good news is PTSD is treatable. Yay! Resource Therapy is a first line treatment. Tailored to your special situation, its safe, respectful and healing.

The research demonstrates talk therapy is not the most effective treatment here. Exposure therapy may not fully address the underlying root cause. Meditation and mindfulness while useful can form part of an avoidance strategy.

Therapies like Resource Therapy, EMDR, EMIT and EFT access and get results by processing the our trauma stuckness. Find out more today. Book an appointment. Therapists give me a call if you want to help more folks ease their suffering using Resource Therapy. Courses on offer – I have one more space left for the August Foundation 18/19th Sydney.

Thanks for reading. Please comment, reflect and ask me any questions you might have in the comments box below and help others and share via social media and email.

valentine-2136753_1920 Resource Therapy heals
valentine-2136753_1920 Resource Therapy heals

Below is the Youtube thanks

Hearts can heal using Resource Therapy and good Psychological support